my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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