OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
