it was like his penis was on wheels.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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