apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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