I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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