If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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