allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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