i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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