my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
