does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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