I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
