Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
