I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
