Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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