I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
