Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
