i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
