This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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