My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
it hurts more in the daytime
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
