I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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