so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
