woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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