what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
