So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
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He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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