did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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