This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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