i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
