new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
