God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
