this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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