I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
