I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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