I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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