After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
