Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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