Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
