I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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