why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
