i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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