ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
