got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He passed out mid-signature
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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