if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
