His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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