I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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