I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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