I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
