i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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