He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
