The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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