Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
