I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
