Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
