i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize