I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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